questions and doubt

We're in the throes of house-hunting. Again. This time propelled by my wonderful estate agent, Elisabeth; whose secret deepest longing must be to get us housed and settled ASAP! 

She calls regularly to update us on houses we've viewed, houses new on the market, houses outside our specified neighbourhoods (this happens when,"It ticked most of your boxes and so I thought it was worth a look"), she is good.

In my books, house buying is a mix of heart and head. The houses we're considering are all head and low to zero heart. This doesn't feel right. Is it possible to be too sensible when making such a (huge) purchase? 

I'm not holding out for my dream house, it's just that I'd rather feel a little excitement over the place we'll call home for the next few years. What's become apparent from house viewings is that we will need to address our stuff.  For instance, one (or both) of our  beds will have to go, to be replaced by a double (or queen if I'm lucky) bed. To be fair this would be the case whichever house we settle on. Houses in our price range don't have bedrooms large enough to properly accommodate a king size bed + bedside tables + room to open wardrobes + dressers without engaging skilful manoeuvres. And there are few things I hate more that feeling cooped up in a room chock-full of furniture!

I knew at the onset that house buying would be all-consuming, overwhelming, scary and make us question and doubt ourselves, each other, even our family and friends. Lately I've been doing what I do in these situations, I've been asking questions. 

I've asked everyone I know about their homes: their favourite space(s), how they got it (inheritance, auction, own build...), what they would change, what they can't live without...I learnt so much.

For the curious:

My favourite space is: my "hotspot" - a corner of the living room where I sit with my back against the radiator and knit, read, watch TV, eat my dinner... 

'how they got it': we're renting.

I would change: the thermal efficiency or swap the windows for hermetically sealed double glazing, damn the consequences.

I don't know that I can't live without it but I would miss the airing cupboard.


How would you answer?

work. again

I've begun the process of applying for work. Again. An arduous task accompanied by very unpleasant feelings. Back in Toronto, work was difficult to come by. I suppose I could have handed out flyers or waited tables but had no interest in one and no experience in the other. I filled and sent out lots of application forms but hardly ever got called for interview. In hindsight, I see I was over-qualified for the jobs I applied for + graduate training was ~18 months thus my visa status (renew yearly) didn't inspire confidence. I settled for odd jobs including: painter/decorator (hard work but lots of fun cos I was working with a mental, menopausal woman that was a hoot a minute), technical assistant (in my field), I sold my hand made books and cards,... and was mostly alright.

I was so sure things would work out once we were back home and life would be perfect because somehow I would miraculously land the job of my dreams. But this was the height of the credit crunch and no one was hiring. I didn't even receive any replies, talk less of being invited for interviews. Companies, agencies, the powers that be didn't pick up phone calls nor did they reply to answer phone messages. The whole experience was extremely demoralising.

Thankfully, I am in a different place now. And though I am better qualified and have acquired specialist knowledge, I am no more confident than I was back then.

Nonetheless, I've made enquiries, updated my CV, written accompanying covering letters, and sent them off. Now there's nothing left for me to do but wait.

Dear universe, please be kind to me.

i hear yarn

Nope. I'm not missing a "t" on the end of hear. I really do hear yarn. It speaks to me. Sometimes it even screams at me. And just like humans, the older they get (i.e. the longer yarn languishes in my stash) the louder their voices. And they are fussy little fusspots too; when they know what they want to be, they know EXACTLY what they want to be! I have learnt that I "ignore at my peril".

I believe that each skein of yarn I knit has a destiny known only to itself and maybe me, when I pay attention. If the skein doesn't fulfil its destiny, the finished object ends up being unfulfilled and uncomfortable in its own skin. Sort of like an ill-fated, ill-fitting cardigan. And each time I walk past, I'm set on edge by its accusing glare. Sometimes it's a menacing (almost sinister) "look", while at other times they "stare" on as a moody and petulant toddler would. When I can't take anymore, I bundle them up and gift an unsuspecting knit-muggle with the offending object. whaaa? it isn't as if they know the difference and they're always ever so grateful to receive hand knits - so everyone is happy! except the dissatisfied object. but really who cares? it's not my problem anymore :-)

Fortunately, I'm getting better at paying attention to my yarn. If when I cast on, the yarn doesn't ...how can I put this?...see eye to eye with the project, I begin looking for a more compatible pairing. And on those increasingly frequent times when the two agree, knitting takes on an ethereal quality; with each stitch playing its part to perfection in this symphony of texture, pattern and delight.

So there you have it, the relationship between my yarns, my projects and I. What I'm burning to know is: am I very slowly going round the bend, or does your yarn (or fabric) "talk" to you too?

N.B.; I couldn't care less about your cat/ kitten, dog/puppy, gerbil, goldfish, cockatiel etc talking to you. though frankly (and not to point fingers [glass houses and all that]) you should be talking to someone else about 'those' voices.

start/stop

Last week the weather turned very cold. For the first time this season we got our winter coats out. They hadn't seen the light of day in months and when unearthed, weren't in good shape. One arm of S' puffer jacket was covered in mold and though both my (wool mix) coats had no visible signs, they gave me a sneezing fit. The labels read dry-clean only so I threw them both in the wool cycle before hanging them to dry in the airing cupboard. They are just fine. 

Following the success with my coats (having used the tec-wash on S' still stinky coat, I'm out of ideas), we cleaned our home from top to bottom. EVERYTHING was cleaned: curtains, cobwebs (we're mostly of the opinion that spiders have just as much right to set up home in our home but draw the line at them wandering freely on the carpet. We've been getting big ones lately. eek!), bathroom (including extractor ducts)...boy was it ever a good clean! Made me fall in love with cleaning all over again. Long ago, in my pre-knitting days, cleaning was one of my favourite things to do, sorta like monica.

I've been doing a lot of walking too. Though I'm not discovering new walks, it still feels good to get out and about. Towards the end of my masters, I spent a lot of time indoors. Working. I was very low on energy and felt rather unhealthy. Exercise would have improved things but I couldn't spare time for hiking, so I settled for things I don't get any pleasure from. Instead of leisurely country walks I was 'power biking' and 'running' - shorter bursts of exercise that don't feel good - and things that probably shouldn't hurt hurt during and after. Now I have all the time in the world, I'm walking again. And practising yoga again. Yoga is a start/stop thing for me. I'd love it to be something I do every other day.

Let's see what else has been keeping me busy. Well, the second round of photo assignments over at the Yarnographers (yarn + photography) group on Ravelry is certainly keeping me on my toes. The first assignment (on weather) is what inspired dewdrops and autumn morning. The second assignment, posted yesterday, is on (self) portraits. Portraits are one area of photography I struggle with and so look forward to using my own tips and getting at least one photo worthy of blowing up. I've been practising on S and have some good results already; a change of 'background' (sofa + messy table not cutting it) and wardrobe (pyjamas not cutting it either) and we'll be set. I might even 'borrow' someone's kid to photograph.

In other news, I'm in a Christmas state of mind. Already. And I don't mean that I'm knitting xmas presents, hell no! did that once and vowed never again!... at least not for a while. This year we're home on our own (the last 2 years we've spent with family) and we're very excited about this. Soon we'll get our kitsch ornaments out of the garage; we're even thinking about buying a real tree this year. We're already planning ways to pass the days and adventures we can get up to; ideas from locals welcome.

Next (and just in time for cooler weather) is my citron. 

I wore it straight off the needles but found it a teeny bit tiny so I blocked it and now, it's lovely and ruffle-y and crinkle-y and curly. I settled on 6 repeats (5 was too small and 7 required more patience than I could manage) as there are so many other projects to move on to. 

I think of myself as a 1-project-at-a-time knitter. I've recently developed the disease all (sane) knitters dread, startitis! I don't know whether I can blame this on cooler weather but I'm going to cast on: a hat, fingerless mittens, a shawl and a pair of socks! 

And finally, my second swap package is ready and will be mailed today. This swap is for members of The Sanguine Gryphon group on Ravelry and specifies that each package contains: 1 skein of Bugga!, a pattern from the receiver's wishlist, a knitting related item and goodies local to the sender. I've found it tricky putting together a package for someone I've never met, especially one without a blog for me to snoop around on. I am optimistic that she'll like my choices, nonetheless. I'll post pictures once she receives her package.

Hurries off to cast on something.

thin and holey

I'm in my glass half-empty place. 

Yesterday should have been lovely. My best friend spent half a day with me. I got to show him my recently completed projects, my home, my town, my life here. We chatted non-stop, drove along country lanes and called by Betty's where he treated me to afternoon tea. It was all so wonderful...until he told me he is moving to Australia for a few months after which he will emigrate to Africa. 

In that moment I was at my most selfish. I could have been supportive, could've wished him luck and told him I am happy for him. Instead, I was a spoilt brat. I whinged about how everything would change; about how although he'd only be a phone call away, the time difference would make our chats near impossible; i even brought up the many dangers of the Antipodes: sharks, crocodiles, jellyfish, snakes, deadly spiders, and killer kangaroos (i was desperate). He took my meltdown well, smiling indulgently  he let me go on.

Why am I so upset? Because the one human that knows me better than any other is moving halfway across the world. He knows all my secrets, my hopes, my successes, my failures - he knows the worst thing about me and loves me in spite of myself. As Yang so eloquently put it, "She's my person. If I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She's my person". Well, my person is moving far, far away! And I am scared. I am afraid that we'll grow apart, that life will get in the way and that our friendship won't survive this. And it's low and selfish but I can't help the way I feel.

Yesterday was also the day I found out I'm going to have to get monthly blood tests for the foreseeable future. Normally I'd be fine with this (after all, it's going to help them make me better, right?) but not knowing/understanding the need for these is causing mild panic (doctor said, "we need to monitor..." without saying why. i don't think she knows), that and the fact that my blood tests involve being "smacked" and pricked several times (in several sites) as my veins are only little and not near the surface make blood tests difficult. 

And my person is going away. 

Yesterday should have been lovely. It wasn't.

On the upside, I photographed my "Oblique Toes" socks. I'm pleased with the fit and even ended up liking the yarn (Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock in Vera). I disliked Vera when first I knit with her because I couldn't stand the knitted fabric (it was thin and holey even on 1.75mm needles). Also, when exploring yarn ideas for Skew on Ravelry, I didn't like the way it pooled. But I gave it a go anyway and I'm glad I did because I'm pleased as punch :)

dewdrops

autumn morning

Morning is without doubt my favourite time of  day. I love the quiet, and how if you listen carefully you hear the world waking up. 

It begins with birds, then the sun, then footsteps above, voices outside, the rev of an engine...and before you know it, the world is awake.

The mist Nicola and I saw last night held. And this morning, armed with my camera, I set off on a walk. It felt strange to hear the footsteps and voices of people I couldn't see...well except for that lone schoolboy whose footsteps I couldn't hear but whose figure I could see.

this weekend i will knit, sew, go on a long walk and be happy. what do you have planned?

caramel slices

Now the Blog Hub Swap is over, I can say it was a swap of two halves. Who would have guessed that having opened all my lovely gifts from the travel knitter, I was still to get much pleasure from reading what Fiolinn in Norway thought about the items I put together for her. I'm so glad this swap went without a hitch - great job EVERYONE! and good job Eskimimi for organising it.

Yesterday brought some sun my way. This is an open house weekend with one of the estate agents we're registered with. We saw 3 houses. I liked one of them. It was quirky. I never thought I'd fall for a quirky house. It was a LOT of house though, and had many nooks and crannies. It's in need of modernising but in a liveable state. It's also the most expensive we've ever looked at. Now it's getting serious.

I've been making things again. Not so much knitting but sewing and playing with paper...and friends big and little. I spent time with Nicola and Lou last week. As I sat knitting in Nicola's sun-filled front room, I realised I was sitting with 3 generations of her line. I adore such things. At Lou's I had the most moreish brownies and caramel slices with cherry blossom tea! And loved every last nibble. I also unleashed the tickle monster on her little ones and even got fodder for a future blog post.

The caramel slices reminded me of the first time I ate them, also coincidentally the first time I met Lou and what was to become my new knitting circle, the Nutty Knitters. It was mere days after moving back to the UK from Toronto. We were still jet-lagged, living out of suitcases in B & J's spare room and I was overwhelmed by it all. I was a newlywed (and was still getting to grips with all I thought that role entailed. nothing new as it happens) and the future was suddenly daunting, owing to: the recession, the imminent house buying process, settling down, starting a family, the almighty mortgage, responsibilities i wasn't sure i was ready for. 
We met at Kelly's on a grey Tuesday morning. The three ladies present were all about my age with young children in tow. Having no kids of my own, my thoughts were: do i fit in here? other than knitting, is there any common ground? would S get along with their husbands? oooh, those chocolate square thingies look nice! 
Two years on and many kids later (still none of my own) I can say the fit is not quite like a glove but rather like a pair of old jeans, tricky to get into after a wash but comfy once on. We've had some road bumps on the journey; people come, people go but we carry on. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience between us and though we don't meet nearly as often as I'd like, when we meet we just pick up where we left off.

Today I've been tidying up. It's still quite dull out so hoping it will make a difference, I've cleaned windows,

changed sheets (bright white bedding but you don't need to see that) and polished surfaces. Next I'll arrange my rolodex

It's time to fill 'er up with local businesses. 

What do you do with business cards you get given? Save them? bin them? save them for a while and then bin them? wall art?

ETA: it would seem that cleaning windows is the secret to lots of sunshine, the rest of the week was pleasantly bright and uncharacteristically warm.